Sunday, 10 May 2015
I Carry You With Me Always
A year ago today I sat by my Nan's bedside alongside other members of my family as she silently slipped away. Even as an adult I think death is a horrible and difficult concept to come to terms with, to get your head around that person not being in your life anymore. At least not in the way that they had been until that moment. I think about my Nan often because I would do the same when she was alive, I would talk to her about many different things. I feel a sense of loss and accompanying sadness when I have things that I want to talk to her about or tell her. I feel it when I think about the things I want to accomplish in my lifetime, those things, moments I wanted to share with her. One such moment is my graduation. If I pass this final year of university I am to graduate in October. I remember having conversations with Nan about going to university and talking to her about what course to choose and now she will not be around to celebrate with me. During my course I have learnt about Kubler-Ross's five stages of loss; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. At certain times I still feel all of those things, apart from denial. I can accept her death most days and can even think of it positively in that the last few months of her life were not spent as she would have wanted. Today, in the late afternoon I went and sat in a place that holds many memories of time we spent together as I was growing up. I'm not really sure what I believe happens after you die but I do believe that Nan is somewhere watching over me and even though she will not share things with me in person, the thought that she is around and will share them with me in a different way comforts me. I carry her with me always.