Sunday, 14 February 2016

What I'm Reading: Here or There

This was one of the last books I picked off the shelf at the library last week but it was the first one I decided to read. It was quite a short book and one that I couldn't put down. This meant that I'd read it from cover to cover by the time I turned off my bedside lamp at around midnight on Monday. I felt the book was cleverly written and intertwines the lives of the characters. The reason I chose this book was its theme of choices and consequences, however, I think the overriding theme is about finding what makes you happy with your life.

'Do you ever get the impression that things weren't meant to be as they are? That at some point along the way you took a wrong turning and ended up down a completely different path?'

'I thought this...was who I was meant to be, and now I know it's all rubbish. It's just fake, this life, the one we go along with, the one we think we've chosen but in reality there was only ever one option; the pressures we put on ourselves to conform, to be secure, to go down the safer route -it's all meaningless.'

These two quotes really resonated with me. More recently as my confidence grows I have felt more positive about my job, however, if I've had a bad few days, or weeks, I sometimes sit and think, 'how did I end up here?' I think about whether this is what I want and what is stopping me thinking about changes. I realise the things stopping me are the pressures I put on myself to be secure (financially) and stick to the safer option.

As I've mentioned before, experiences have changed the direction of my life path and I am not working with the people I had planned to following the completion of my degree. Instead of going back to working with adults, I work within a children's service. Sometimes I wonder whether I would be happier working in a different role with adults (is the grass always greener and all that). Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to end up here. I don't regret any of the twists and turns, each one has taught me something and I believe that we as individuals are made up of our experiences, good and bad, and that they are what inform and guide us. For me the question is really where do I go from here. I also didn't really plan post degree so I haven't figured out what comes next and for someone who likes a plan (or at least a rough sense of direction) I am a slight state of uncertainty and unease.

Another of my dilemmas is that I enjoyed the work I did pre university, however, this wasn't as well paid as the job I do now, which was a motivator for me to study. I don't like to think of myself as someone who is money orientated, but as a single, independent person I want to be able to live comfortably without the need to rely on others. Therefore, at the moment two of my wishes conflict with each other, my path, it appears, has forked and I need to decide which direction to take.

Image from Pinterest
Have you had similar dilemmas? Which direction did you take?

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